Whipper snappers

This list is sent out to Professors at Beloit college who teach incoming Freshman. They update it every year. It is depressing and funny.
1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”
4. Al Gore has always been animated.
5. Los Angelinos have always been trying to get along.
6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.
7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.
9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.
14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.
18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.
20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.
22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.
23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.
25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.
26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.
27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.
30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.
31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum.
32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.
33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.
34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always been an alternative to hospitals.
35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”
38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.
41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam.
42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.
43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.
45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.
46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.
48. Someone has always gotten married in space.
49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.
50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
51. Food has always been irradiated.
52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he?
54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.
55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.
56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.
57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife.
58. Beethoven has always been a dog.
59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.
62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine.
63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.
64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.
65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.
66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.
67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.
68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.
69. The Post Office has always been going broke.
70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.
72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.
73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.
74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi Channel.
75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

I write like

I write like
William Gibson

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I'll take it!

Bicycles : Oranges ::

"I don't think about it [his bisexuality] as a part I have to accept," she said. "It's just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn't take the trash out."

Huh? Say wha?

via CNN

Crunch-tastic

Can't get enough Pretzel M&M's. They may be the death of me.

Fly on the wall

Drop those 2 icky Fred Flare guys outta this video, and I would've killed to have been a fly on the wall at this meeting.

Whitie Tightie

This is going to turn Phil on, but its main purpose is to entertain you.

This is George

iPiss

Too good to not repost:

Olympic-sized crush

Did anyone catch the U.S. Men's Bobsled team on The Colbert Report last Thursday?
They were all kinda hunky.
Check it:




And I would have embeded the Colbert clip, but, of course, Hulu is crazy about that shit. So here's a link.

Made my morning

Ahhhh, Liz Lemon, how I love you, m'friend.

For K

I'm sure that this will make you smile, wherever you may be.

Final picture

One of the final pictures I worked on today was of Jean Marais and Jean Cocteau. The end of my day just got sunnier (but hopefully not so sunny that I am prevented from sleeping).

Cash cab

I hope I get in the Cash Cab next time I'm in NYC--mainly because I think Ben Bailey is hunky.

Thanks mom

So . . . I buy my mom gift cards and jewelry and accoutrements from Chico's.
If you're not familiar, I'll wait for you to come back after you've perused the above link. Ok, now that you've poked around some there, I'd just like to point out that the target customer's age is significantly older than models on the web site. Anyway. . .
I used to get her discount. Now I get my discount . . . and a quarterly mini-catalog.
There is something humiliating about a catalog of flowing women's clothes delivered in my name.

I am emailing them today to make certain that no more flyers, catalogs, or mailings of any sort arrive in my name at this address . . . you know, for the environment.

(They are, however, welcome to contact me at my email address with any sales, discounts, or merchandise that might interest me.)

And, no, I don't my mom's name is not "Bonnie."

Individually raped

Phil and I went mattress shopping yesterday. Its something I've never done with the person who shares my bed, and its inherent awkwardness was compounded by our sexual orientation.
Fortunately, the sales team at the Seattle Mattress Company has found ways of easing those tensions, like the copy for one of the mattresses which reads "coils individually raped."
When the salesman came over and explained that the mattress contained individually wrapped coils, I was both relieved and disappointed. I also found it difficult to keep eye contact with him afterwards because the visions of him satisfying himself with each coil individually put me in schoolboy hysterics.

Twirl it all around

February. Crap aught neener sure is flying by! We're 1/12 of the way through the year, and what do I have to show for it but date rape and AIDS jokes?

Seriously, though, besides the abysmal, ulcer-inducing economy, '09 has begun fairly well.

I've been keeping good on my New Year's resolution to lose 2 pounds a month. My New Year resolution for '08 was to go to the gym more than in '07. I accomplished that goal by mid-March and attendance subsequently dropped. Not to say that I didn't go to the gym at all for the rest of the year, but it was noticably less.

So this year the goal is more long-term and also very achievable. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

So what else with '09? Well, Tennille visited weekend before. She stayed at the adorable Hotel Max. We went to Seattle's only male strip club Centerfolds which is only two blocks from my house. It was a first for all three of us (Tennille, Phil, and myself). Completely strange experience. Tennille and I were the only ones there when the club opened at 8. Of course, Seattle is totally puritanical so there's no drinking, but we stepped out on a couple of occasions for beverages. Only one of the guys had a nice body. I bought Phil a lapdance from a guy with a ponch. It was sorta hot--but I wish I could have watched the lapdance a la Showgirls.

Saturday we checked out the Hopper exhibit at SAM. I was surprised at the size of his painting and also at his brushwork. His color palette is so soft that some of it looked like pastels. That night we checked out Gainsbourg on Greenwood. I liked the atmosphere and the small plates, plus they were projecting Mon Oncle on the wall behind us. Oh yeah, and the hallway back to the bathroom looks like the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks.

Sunday we went to trivia at Bill's Off-Broadway then followed it up with the Re-Bar. My stomach was completely a mess (probably from all the drinking) by the time we made it to the Re-Bar. The place was about half-full, nowhere near Flammable's heyday, but there were a few faces I recognized in the crowd. The place still manages to be the most un-pretentious dance/club night in town and that alone is reason to go.

So that's what I've been up to--oh and watching a shit-ton of movies.

Now that I've caught up on nearly all of the films from '08, I think I can say definitively, "Yawn." Slumdog Millionaire was nowhere near the top of my list. In fact, its creepy romanticization of the Mumbai ghetto puts it on par with Life is Beautiful for me. Add to that a lead that can't act and all you're really left with is some really nice cinematography and nice story structure. Milk was decent but not great. Some of the supporting characters, namely Emile Hirsch and Diego Luna were distracting. Add to that the melodramatic/operatic slaying at the end and one begins to feel manipulated. The Wrestler has to be one of the most boring affairs I've seen in a long time, again with just poorly cast and badly acted supporting characters in Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood. I realize its adapted from a novel, but to become such a formulaic film for the last hour sucked all life out of it--kind of like the title character serving beef at the deli counter. Revolutionary Road is an example of why a great book should never be put on film--filmmakers trying to include way too much of the novel and not finding the right cinematic references to convey the tone of the piece. And although I adored David Fincher's meticulous Zodiac, I really don't even have the time for The Bi-Curious Case of Ben Jammin' Butthole. Frost/Nixon and Doubt are both examples of why plays should not be turned into movies, but (and I can't believe I'm defending him even a shred) Ron Howard was more adept at translation from stage than John Patrick Shanley.

I was happy to see both Melissa Leo and Richard Jenkins nominated. Frozen River was such a peculiar little film and Leo in particular was spellbinding, but I really would have liked to have seen her acting partner in the film, Misty Upham get some recognition, as well. Jenkins in The Visitor brought a type of believability to his role that none of the other acting nominees could muster. Sure, the film overall was a bit on the melodramatic, Oxygen network, side of immigration morality, but like Leo, Jenkins grounded the work with his performance.

So now I should rail against The Dark Knight, but Jim Emerson has done a much more thorough job. My problems with it came mostly from its hole-riddlered(!?) plot and inconsistent tones and styles. It wasn't helped any by Christian Bale nor Heath Ledger, both of whom are so much more fixated on the minutiae of creating a character than the realities of delivering lines and progressing the plot and tension.

Ok, so that's my take on the mediocrity of this year--so what were the good films this year?

Not a lot--Let the Right One In, Synecdoche, New York, Burn After Reading, and Wild Combination were my favorites. If you haven't taken the time to see them, do so now.

Class dismissed.

Remix

Has anyone read that book by Lawrence Lessig? I was supposed to read it for work. The subtitle is Making Art and Commerce Thrive in the Hybrid Economy. He was on Colbert the other day and I Tivo'd it. Pretty soon I'm gonna Remix that interview and post it to my YouTube account. But something else happened--one of those synchronistic moments when the planets align and the disco lights of heaven shine down . . .
See, the other day Jimbo posted this funny jpg of Wilford Brimley with one of those motivational sayings, work poster-y borders around it with "Diabeetus" as the title and "Medicare can help" as the subtitle. Matthew and I, and I'm sure a lot of you, have chuckled multiple times at Mr. Brimley's pronunciation of the affliction.
So then, I was at home playing WoW (raiding 25-man Naxx tonight, y'all!) and watching Government Access (what? I can't enjoy a little local policy from time to time?) when lo and behold, the woman on television mispronounciated (read as: Buster Bluth) diabetes the Brimley way. Luckily, my Tivo loves me and sent the mispronunciation (read: correctly) to my computer and I quickly hacked it up and slowed it down.

Here are the results:


Be warned, there is a Wilford Brimley conspiracy.

The cats are trying to warn us.

P.S. If anyone did read that book, a report no more than 1500 words on my desk in the morning.

Moratorium '09

"It is what it is."
". . . at the end of the day."
". . . in this economy."
"Its a no-brainer."

Peeved

Chalk it up to me being me, but I really hate when people say "two thousand AND eight," instead of, "two thousand eight."
When someone says it, I want to ask them if they said "nineteen hundred AND ninety four" or "nineteen hundred ninety four?"

Wiling away the time

Go make shoes. It is highly therapeutic.

These are mine.

They are ugly and I like them.

Now you go make yours.

Be sure to post a link to them in the comments section.