Individually raped

Phil and I went mattress shopping yesterday. Its something I've never done with the person who shares my bed, and its inherent awkwardness was compounded by our sexual orientation.
Fortunately, the sales team at the Seattle Mattress Company has found ways of easing those tensions, like the copy for one of the mattresses which reads "coils individually raped."
When the salesman came over and explained that the mattress contained individually wrapped coils, I was both relieved and disappointed. I also found it difficult to keep eye contact with him afterwards because the visions of him satisfying himself with each coil individually put me in schoolboy hysterics.