6.15.2006

The nights we had until the morning

The Death of AdonisI made it to the gym Monday morning and completed a majority of my official "Monday Workout." In fact, I pushed a little bit harder than I normally would. Monday sets the tone for the week, and I knew I would wake up sore on Tuesday morning (which is technically Monday night for those who follow my erratic schedule). While I was on my fourth time through the circuit, before I headed back up to the elliptical for another 20 minutes, I had already resigned to take Tuesday off. I allow myself one day of no gym during the work week. I would use Tuesday to try and tackle a full 8 hours of sleep and to break in that new bottle of Tylenol PM--for I would be dearly sore.

Work Tuesday morning was pretty tedious and the short bus ride home was a nap waiting to happen. As is almost always the case, I put my headphones on and drifted off before we even hit the end of the Ride Free Zone. At 65th Ave. I awoke, wiped the sleep from my eyes, and gazed upon the most gorgeous of men seated at the front the bus.

He was younger than me, but his beard was much fuller. He had a camo hat on and wore a look of youthful defiance. Our eyes briefly connected and I'm pretty sure I saw it there--the gay, stuck in his irises. It recognized me and, for a fleeting moment, our imaginary life together flashed before my eyes. This ebullience was quickly countered by the realization that he is not a regular on the bus, and that our brief imaginary life together might be all I ever have.

Strangely, he debussed at the same stop as me. Even strangelier, he walked directly behind me for three whole blocks. Our brief imaginary affair had now extended from 10 minutes on the bus to a 10 minute walk.

I dared one last glance, but like Orpheus, my Eurydice was sliding back into the underworld--or at least south on 17th. So I let out a heavy sigh and replaced it with a set jaw. Determination was now my name.

Never let another moment pass you by, I told myself. Carpe carp, I told myself. Seize the fish, dammit, Jeremy! Its ok if he stabs you when you ask him out, I justified, Any human contact is better than none.

So yesterday I skipped the gym, as well. He was on the bus again, but his eyes never quite made contact with mine. He also got off the bus sooner than me and made the crosswalk. I had to watch opportunity walk away (gardening gloves tucked into his back right pocket), and I had my courage--brain and heart were somewhere else entirely, but I had my courage.

Today, I will skip the gym again. I will get on the bus, put on my headphones and fall asleep. Hopefully I'll awaken to the vision of Adonis, and hopefully I'll still have my courage.

3 comments:

GayProf said...

Hey, Good Luck! Keep up the courage!

Anonymous said...

"I think I can...I think I can...."

Zeke said...

Seize that carp, you can do it for the rest of us : )