How do you feel about the rectum as a hole?

ZartanI've had my share of bad dates.
There was
this guy.
There was the guy who didn't like music or movies. "Well, what do you do," I asked.
"I collect model trains," he replied.
My hand quickly darted into the air to attract the waitress' attention. "Check please," I said. "Sorry, I just realized that tonight is the Buffy season finale." Strange, that makes twice that Buffy has lessened the blows of a bad date.

So, onto Friday night's date. Once again, he was not a bad guy. In fact, he was kind of sweet and innocent. Well, let me rephrase that, he was just pretty dim. I think what irritated me most about him was the fact that he had a full head of hair, but didn't do anything with it. It was cropped short and pushed down. Being follically challenged, I resent people who have hair, yet refuse (or don't know how) to do anything with it.
Um . . . what else . . . oh he had presecription shades, the kind that change colors in sunlight. I guess some people find them useful and shit, but my problem with them is that they remind me of
Neither of the above listed quibbles would be enough to deter me from pursing an possible love interest if there were substance and depth beneath the surface. So we start talking about TV. Since TV is easily the most throw away medium, I can let the fact that he likes Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives slide. I mean, I watch BSG, and I know that's not for everyone.
So onto books. "What's your favorite book," I ask. My hopes get unexpectedly high when he says, "Well, I don't know about specific books . . . I think it would be easier to say that I have a favorite author." Could I have misjudged him? Could there be the heart and soul of someone who invests time and imagination in the worlds created on the printed page?
"John Grisham is my favorite author." No. Fucking. Way.
And even though I was inwardly judging him, I outwardly used my social politesse and somehow avoided rolling my eyes. Apparently, he wasn't much of a reader until late in life. At least he reads.
So then we had to move onto movies. If I were able to repress my snobbery for literature, any such restraint would invariably come out as venomous when discussing cinema. Tenatively I asked, "So what's your favorite movie?"
"Well, I really like sappy romantic comedies." Oh christ, here it comes. "Notting Hill is my favorite movie." NO. FUCKING. WAY. I could not contain the eye roll, but luckily, I don't think he caught it. "What's your favroite movie," he asked.
I use an old Matt joke that I find highly amusing, but was completely lost on this boner. "Well, I tell everyone that my favorite film is The Decameron [nsfw] , but really my favorite film is Blood of a Poet." Naturally, such middle-brow humor is lost on such a knuckle-dragger.
So the date ended with him congenially giving me a ride up to the hill so Kelley and I could party proper.
You know the really fucked up part about the whole thing? I kept thinking stuff like, "Well, I could give him good books to read." "I could take him somewhere to get his hair done." "I could pick out his clothes for him." "I could take him fun film festivals." "I could learn him good. Real good." But I mean, fuck! I'm almost 30. 30. Christ. I shouldn't have to compromise SO much right at the beginning, right?


Anonymous said...

Meaning well, but there's no polite way to say this, your criteria for what makes a man interesting is pretty shallow.

That last paragraph, if you read it and think about it from a 'removed' standpoint will let you know why, at 30, you are still dating and finding flaws in every individual you come across.

I wish you the best.

jeremy said...

Ok, Anonymous--so I like a man who reads beyond the 4th grade level. I like a man who cares about his appearance. I like a man with a sense of humor. My criteria are shallow.
If I were like most low self-esteem jackasses out there, I would have settled for this guy. I would have realized that I can make anything work with anyone because I am that lonely and pathetic. Instead, I put myself out there. I meet guys. Some of whom meet my very shallow expectations. Some of whom live on an entirely different plane than myself.
Maybe we should get it on, Anonymous. It seems to me that so many fags are still trapped in that 70's state-of-mind where anonymity and compulsion supercede intimacy and romance. Maybe I should just try that.
And if you're a girl and/or you're straight--don't waste my precious comment space with your drivel.

I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Ok, Anonymous--so I like a man who reads beyond the 4th grade level. I like a man who cares about his appearance. I like a man with a sense of humor. My criteria are shallow.

I knew there was no way to say what I read and not offend you, kudos to you though for not deleting the comment. This is my first time here, bounced in via queerfilter, so I don't know much about you beyond this single post. However, what you list above is not the criteria I was talking about. You ditched a date because he collects things. As long as it isn't illegal body parts, what is the deal? And no, I don't collect model trains. I just thought with such strict criteria, you will never find anybody, geez. Somebody who likes romantic comedies is a knuckledragger? While romantic comedies aren't my thing, I wouldn't completely trash somebody who likes them the way you do. You're TOO harsh. At least this is the way this post reads.

Maybe we should get it on, Anonymous.

I must have misunderstood what you are looking for in a date. Seriously, I was trying to help, I have no interest. I know nothing about you beyond this post. I'm not looking for anonymous sex. I am 40 and in a relationship of two decades. I thought you were looking for a man, and I wanted to point out that a relationship isn't build on what one collects or what one watches on tv.

It seems to me that so many fags are still trapped in that 70's state-of-mind where anonymity and compulsion supercede intimacy and romance.

I am not offering or looking for intimacy or romance. I remained anonymous because I know my words bite. How else do I say what I read is venomous? You can completely trash someone but cannot take the criticism yourself? Your self-loathing verbal attack of 'fag' though, speaks volumes as to why you are so hostile to other guys. I wish you the best, but I think you will be stuck in the dating world for years to come.

jeremy said...

Hey there Anonymous! First of all, I want to welcome you. It takes a hell of a lot to offend me. I never censor criticism. If you're worried about some sort of retaliation, that is ridiculous.
Now let's get it on.
The train date is different from my date on Friday night. It is a story that most of my friends (the primary readers of this blog) are well-aware. Since we're becoming acquainted, I'll fill you in on another part of the train "date." He asked me to go back to his place so he could take pictures of me and post them to his pay website. "Don't worry, I'll cut you in on the money," he said. This was my first meeting with the guy, and he was a dud.
Ok, now onto the other dude. Yeah, you're right, I am harsh on him, but for every dig at him, I take one at myself. I am self-deprecating because I realize that all humans are flawed. I am not looking for someone who is perfect. Nor am I willing to settle for someone who does not meet my "shallow" criteria.
I think its funny, too, that you assume you know through one post what my criteria are.
I'm gonna send you over to GayProf now for an amusing post about his criteria.

I also need to comment on the self-loathing thing--all because I used fag with derision. Now your fangs are starting to show. I also use fag with camaraderie. So, there! (That was actually just bait that I was hoping you would take.)

Adam said...

I don't think you should have to compromise. I think that someone that thinks John Grisham is a good author would be difficult to tolerate. You're a snob, so am I, its O.K.

GayProf said...

I shouldn't have to compromise SO much right at the beginning, right?

Nope, not in my book (as already noted above).

It's about chemistry between two men, no? At a basic level, you just weren't into this guy regardless-of [because-of] what he read or watched. He will find, I hope, a Grisham-reading man with whom to watch Notting Hill and trade notes about Wisteria Lane. That's just not you. He might be typing his own blog-post about that BSG guy who didn't know the difference between The Client and The Rainmaker. That's life in the [gay] dating world, it seems to me.

You will find the guy who gets your Zartan references and watches BattleStar Galactica (ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS ON T.V., people -- Why isn't everyone watching this show?).

jeremy said...

Adam and Prof -
Thanks for removing the curse of Mr. Anonymous.
You guys are swell.

Rich said...

There's nothing wrong with setting up filters for yourself, even if they are superficial. I mean, what isn't superficial, anyway? Should you have meditated together or traded crystals or some shit?

Plus, I'm of the opinion (and I think you are, too, you just didn't say it), that it's not WHAT you like but HOW you like it. That's what taste is to me, anyway. And good taste is really fucking crucial.

Brandon said...

Another rainy day / We're trapped inside with the train set

Anonymous said...

I'm still looking. View my profile and write me here: my online dating profile.